How to Find Your Sexual Persona

By Hannah Honey 

Hannah Honey is a writer and cabaret performer from the UK now living in Toronto, Canada. In this blog, she shares her research on the power of being naked, and practical tips on how to incorporate the art of nudity into your daily life.

No person is one dimensional, especially not during sex.

From a very young age, our ideas of sexuality are shaped by a number of external factors, and without the right support and education, these factors can become our blueprint. 

We mimic what we see in porn, repeat the lines we’ve heard in movies, and even replicate the behaviors that we learnt with our exes. But when we strip back all the external influences, who are we, horizontally speaking?

What Is a Sexual Persona?

A sexual persona isn’t a performance - it’s more like your alter-ego.

Think about it: in your daily 9-5, your retail job, or even in time spent around certain friends and family members, it’s common to feel an external pressure to behave in certain ways, to meet certain targets, or to present yourself as agreeable and ‘low-maintenance’ in order to please others.

In good, healthy sex, you shouldn’t have to pretend.

The psychology of sexual personas stems from a healthy desire to explore all aspects of both your sexuality and your personality. For example, if you work a high-pressure, decision-heavy job where you’re constantly “on,” you might feel drawn to a sexual persona in which you can let go, relax, and be guided rather than in control. On the other hand, if you tend to feel reserved, anxious, or overlooked in your day-to-day life, you might feel drawn to a sexual persona which is more assertive, expressive, and unapologetically takes up space. However, sexual personas don’t always have to work in opposition to your daily persona; there are hundreds of reasons as to why you might lean further into traits you already embody. 

However your sexual persona manifests, the fantasies and desires that come attached are a normal, healthy, and fun part of human sexuality. It shouldn’t feel forced - it should just feel right.

How To Discover Your Sexual Persona

The sexiest research project you’ll ever take on.

First of all, it’s important to know that your sexual persona is fluid, not fixed. How you choose to be during sex can shift depending on mood, partner, or stage of life. Whilst some partners might empower you to be more dominant, with others, you might enjoy relinquishing more control. Neither persona is more ‘you’ than the other - they’re just different expressions of your sexuality in multiple contexts.

As you discover your ever-changing sexual self, here’s some approaches that can help you to make sense of your desires:

1 - Do your research.

So you feel a craving to be more dominant in bed. But how are you meant to discover the many different ways to do this without doing some research?

The internet is an obvious starting point - but use your media literacy. Not everything you see is designed to be realistic or educational, especially not in porn. However, there are plenty of sex-positive forums, educators, and creators online offering more realistic and grounded perspectives. 

Whilst fictional, reading erotica can also be a great starting point to help you understand what dynamics or energies you’re naturally drawn to, without the pressure of real-life performance.

If you’re curious, exploring sex-positive spaces or clubs can also give you a more holistic sense of how different people express themselves. These spaces offer an opportunity to chat to kink-positive people in real life, observe what you like, and maybe even meet partners who can teach you something new. 

Alternatively, if you’re looking to explore with your existing partner, don’t underestimate the power of talking your desires through with them. You never know - you might even discover new personas that are exciting for the both of you. Collaboration is so hot.

2 - Dress the part.

In order to tap into your sexual persona, it can be helpful to mimic your alter-ego on the outside too.

Lingerie, in particular, can act as a visual and sensory cue, helping you embody a certain mood or energy rather than “putting on” a character. 

For example, if you’re aiming to amplify your dominant side, you might opt for a a sheer black bralette, adding a bold layer of tease whilst still allowing you to feel confident in displaying your naked body. Alternatively, if you’re aiming to experiment with softness or submission, you might choose a frilled, red bralette or laced lilac set, leaning into an energy that can feel lighter, more delicate, or even more romantic.

Above all, the goal isn’t to transform into someone else, but to use what you wear as a way of accessing and expressing different sides of your sexual personalities.

3 - Set the mood.

Personally, I have a working theory that no one feels sexy in overhead lighting.

When preparing to explore your sexual persona, it’s important not to overlook the importance of sensual foreplay, meaning adjusting the lighting, creating a safe and comfortable environment, lighting a candle, or even turning on a fan. 

These small, easily overlookable details can completely shift how you feel in your body, encouraging you to feel less exposed, more at ease, and far more present. The right atmosphere doesn’t just set the scene; it gives you permission to relax into your aler-ego, making it easier to access whatever side of yourself you’re trying to explore.

4 - Listen to your feelings.

This is the best way to distinguish your authentic sexual persona from ideas that may have been imposed on you by media and society.

For example, socially imposed ideas tend to feel impressive in theory but slightly hollow in practice, whilst authentic desires tend to just feel right. Pay attention to how you feel during and after different experiences. What leaves you feeling grounded, confident, or connected? What feels slightly performative or disconnected, or even leaves you feeling triggered? Your emotional response is often the clearest guide to what’s genuinely you.

You can try sharing these ideas with your partner, or writing them down to reflect on later. This way, you’ll develop a clear idea of what best aligns with your sexual self.

5 - Practice makes perfect.

The best way to discover every nuance of your sexual persona is by putting it into practice, either alone or with supportive, open-minded partners who make you feel comfortable, and who reject stigma and shame. Over time, what once felt experimental will begin to feel instinctive, and regardless of how your sexual desires change, you’ll be able to navigate them with confidence, ease, and authenticity.

Discovering your sexual persona is meant to be fun.

Nothing kills the mood more than pressure.

As you embark on this journey to become acquainted, or reacquainted, with your authentic sexual self, remember that there is truly no rush. Whether it takes a week or several years, ‘better sex’ isn’t the end product of finding your sexual persona; it’s what happens every step of the way.